This blog post is more about some of my inner thoughts about life lately. This past fall of 2019 something absolutely devastating happened in my family. We lost my cousin Zoë and I have really struggled to find the good after that. She was shot and killed by her boyfriend of 6 years in a gym parking lot. He killed her and then killed himself. They were both 21 years old. There has been a lot that each of us have had to unpack as we think about that day. Why would he do something like that? How do we find forgiveness? How do we move on? How do we honor her? How do we never forget her? How can we better our lives after something like this? What can we learn? These are all questions that I have been unable to answer for quite some time.
When Zoë passed away she was in the middle of an incredible fitness journey. She was trying to better herself and she had lost SO much weight and looked INCREDIBLE. This all happened before she could even come close to completing her journey and that pains me. She was a determined person who worked hard for the things she had and she deserved to enjoy them. I think about this every time I work out. The thought crosses my mind that Zoë should've gotten to enjoy her hard work. Every time I feel confident in myself or I feel sexy going out with my friends or I find myself laughing; I think about how she should've had so much more time to enjoy these feelings in life. At first I felt guilty for feeling happiness when she couldn't. It wasn't until a few months after that I realized that I needed to honor her and remember her by living my life the best that I could. It reminds me that life is so short and we shouldn't spend that time sad or worried or scared. We should be finding all of the good.
At Zoë's funeral, her mom and my aunt, hugged me in the receiving line and through her tears and the small cracks in her voice asked me to always think of her every single time I smile. And I do. Every single time I find myself in a joyful moment I think of her. I live those moments for her and at this point that is all that I can do. I have realized that finding the good isn't always in a situation and you need to take a step back to see things clearer. There was no good at all in what happened to my cousin, but there is good in family and in the world.
Zoë never had the chance to finish sharing her workout journey on her instagram, that she used as a blog. I am starting this one and searching for ways to find good in the world, for her. Life should be lighthearted and fun and that's what this is here for.
I encourage everyone to find the good.
Rest In Peace, Zoë. We love and miss you.
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